Just Spanx Me!

Tis the season to suck it up, suck it in and be happy about it. This holiday season I will get to wear the cocktail dress I bought last year for the John's company Christmas party. He ended up out of town so the drapey sparkly dress has hung under it's plastic sheath for a year now. I suppose I could have sold it on Ebay, the heading could read Black Dress/w sparkles NWT. 

I had forgot about the dress and have been perusing for it's kind online. I would have felt kind of silly had I purchased another dress for the same event. But I could have told my husband I was prepared for anything to happen. Had he seen the company lushes? What if a sloper's wife tripped over her cheap stilettos and dumped her cosmo all down my front. By golly, I'd be ready for that. Just a quick run to the suite and I'd be good as new. Much better than the bimbo with a twisted ankle and a soon to be morning after hangover.

Having found and tried on the NWT black dress/w sparkles I realized that my Spanx were a must. Obviously the elastine has worn out from lack of use.  They just didn't seem to be holding in like they used to, so I measured my waist. Then in desperation I  put on a pair over the first. Feeling like a stuffed sausage, but resembling a large taupe potato, I could feel the burning sensation arising. I did indeed have Spanx induced heartburn and as I reached for the Tums I could hear myself breathing heavily. This is not the image I want to portray to myself or any other unsuspecting victims that may look my way. All this suffering has taken away two whole inches off my waist. There must be a better way.

Back online I go. This time to search for an under garment that can withstand the test of time. 

Spanx.com of course. With it's plethora of tan or black bondages, how could I not find the perfect one? My first thought into this foray of elastine and nylon is why do they use skinny, waifs to model these garments?  Want to impress, show me a before and after of a woman that needs a sausage suit.  
Now, I need to figure out which one. Tank, bra, no bra, racer shorts, slip. Men's line? Really? Forget that, I go straight to Super Duper. No joke. It's on the site, just for girls like myself, that need to move beyond Super. Not even sure why someone would bother with Medium, ha, suckers!  Maybe they have layerd themselves XL,L then M. If anyone buys three Spanx in shrinking sizes, do they get a free pack of Tums?

The website is overwhelming and I can't decide if the boob containment center or boob free garments are the right fit for me. This is going to require a trip to Nordstrom's along with talcum powder, tums, wine and a friend. Best to have fun while purchasing a sausage suit than to begrudge the process. After all, it is the holidays.